My New Year's Resolutions

"I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And, I gotta tell ya - it feels phenomenal"

-"Peter La Fleur"  from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

At the end of every year I like to organize my desk because I like to start off the new one with it clean and in order.  I rationalize that if it starts off neat and organized it'll end the year neat and organized.  Luckily, it usually does.

Like many I used to begin the year with a list of resolutions. You know, that list of positive changes you swear you'll do to lose weight, reach for accomplishments, or turn your life around:

• Quit Smoking & Start Jogging


• Learn to play the clarinet


• Stop playing Xbox all day and get a job

When I set goals like this for myself, I usually fall short and wind up sulking for much longer than I should.  I remember my 2003 resolution was to quit smoking and start exercising. That wasn't successful so I spent the next two years remaking the resolution and feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't do it. Of course when I felt sorry for myself, I'd light up a cigarette.  I finally kicked the habit some time in 2006; coincidentally when I had given up trying to quit up smoking.

I realized that maybe it's not about striving for sweeping positive life changes. But rather perhaps listing negative actions on the New Year's resolution list. Because when it ultimately falls short the actual outcomes are much more positive. I've done this every year since 2006 and I find that I don't brood over unachieved goals.

So, this New Year's resolutions will be:

• Restart smoking


• Drink Heavily


• Investing all hard earned savings in lottery tickets.


• Eat more fried foods.


• Put on 30 more lbs of pure fat.


• Watch 3 more hours of Game Show network and 2 more hours of Cartoon Network per day

I think it's doable. But, if don't reach them I'm certainly not going to sulk. I'll have to see come December 31, 2012.

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Christmas - What is "Good"?

It's Christmas time again. While doing my holiday shopping I've been finding myself eavesdropping on the conversations around me.  It's not like I've been purposefully doing it; I just find it very difficult to not listen when you're elbow to elbow in the checkout line of Toys "R" Us. 

I've noticed parents telling their kids that Santa will bring them presents if they are "good."  I don't disagree with this idea. After all, how long do we have to manipulate the children into eating their vegetables and being quiet during a movie with the promises of a fictitious being bringing presents.

So ... what exactly is "good" ?

I know this isn't a new thought. Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote about this topic in his book "How Good Do We Have To Be."  But that related to something more profound and spiritual. I'm talkin' about being commercially "good" and how it relates to the promise of presents from a bearded fat guy.  So I have to wonder …

The Santa defined "good" seems be an idea defined and perpetuated by parents. Consequently, "good" seems to have a mercurial quality.  For the most part it seems to mean being well-behaved and brushing your teeth every night.   Though, some parents add the responsibility of having A's on your report cards.  But what if some kids (like me back in the day) were just incapable of earning an A. Sure she’s smarter, but would that make my sister more "good" than me?  … And is the quality of my presents reflected in this parental “good” scale?  It would kind of suck that this is the best possible “good” I can deliver and I get a new sweater instead of that Atari 2600 game I wanted.

What if children are rated on an individual good scale rather than one big measurement system.   I may not be able to deliver more than straight B’s on my report card, but I could get tremendous amounts of praise during piano recitals. I would imagine those kind of accomplishments should be factored in.

On the other end of the scale, what if this is a family of super villains.  Consider that Harley Quinn and The Joker had a little super villain kids.   One of the kids hatches a plan that wounds one of the little Batkids (not critically though – just a skinned knee) on the Gotham City Public School playground.  After getting called into the principal’s office the Batkid is the one who gets suspended.  You would have to think that Harley and Joker would think good of their kid and tell them that Santa would be bringing them a Tyco Battery operated Joker Van or something.

This Christmas season I find myself reflecting upon past Christmases and gifts that I’ve received over the years.  For the most part, I think I was good … Santa never seemed to disappoint. I may not have been the ideal kid; and Santa probably should’ve considered me bad some years.   As Christmas day draws closer perhaps “good” doesn’t refer to how well-behaved one is, but maybe … just maybe … how “good” the economy is.

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